Thursday, January 31, 2008
Apologise - Timbaland
Don't you simply agree?There's always a time for certain things. Once it passes by, it's gone. A lot of things are like that. Money, people, love, friendships, opportunities.
Chances. Especially.
Here're the lyrics by Timbaland - Apologize.
I'm holding on your rope, Got me ten feet off the ground. I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound. You tell me that you need me. Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry. Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late. I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall. Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat. But it's nothin new - yeah yeah. I loved you with a fire red-Now it's turning blue, and you say..."Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you. But I'm afraid...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late. I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, it's too late. I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late. It's too late to apologize, yeah. I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...
Posted by Atlantic Amethyst at 12:50 AM
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Not, Not Functioning?
Some things happened lately to make me realise the prevalence of dysfunctionality when I just stopped and think about it.I don't really blog about certain things for example with regards to life with my boyfriend mainly because there's always something dysfunctional about our relationship. And then when I actually detach myself and observe certain issues within group dynamics at work, there's usually something dysfunctional hidden somewhere; it's just as a matter whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. In terms of communication, ideologies, efforts .... whatever you name - there lies the existence of dysfunctionality.
Ok actually it isn't that abstract, la. The concept of dysfunctionality.
I'm just recordin it from my perspective which can be really skewwed at times.
Perhaps I'm the dysfunctional one?
Posted by Atlantic Amethyst at 3:59 PM
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Orangey Way
And so, our very own NBS Week website will be launched soon!Just to jazz it all up and match the webbie's vibes, I painted my crabby nails orange!
LOL I knowww. It looks disgusting. But hey it's my fav anna sui.
That smell. That heavenly smell of love. All anna sui stuffs come with this really sweet rose fragrance that I have a weakness for. I've got loads of anna sui stuffs stocked up in my hall room. And loads of other mascaras - diorshow, majorca majolica, ZA, deja vu fiberwig. Wanna a free makeover, just hop by and gimme a call beforehand. All I want in return is a freee dinner. LOL.
It's gonna get realllllly messy.
Posted by Atlantic Amethyst at 2:14 AM
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Internal Ambiguities
Ok so Diana was askin' me the other day durin comm funds, when Ms Loo Hiang from NBS career office was teachin the resume portion - 'Lay Ling, what's your hobby?'Without even thinkin', I said, 'Oh! My hobby is organising events for people!' and accompanied that with an iconic laugh. In disbelief, she just stared at me speechless for a few seconds and screeched later, 'You mean....NBS week issit?....and your TAS whatever stuffs....??'
'Yeah!' I just replied candidly. 'Lotsa events comin' up! Must support NBS week ok! Giveaways, gameshows, performances, arcade machines, and there are also - ' Still with that disbelieving stare, she interrupted me, 'You mean, you spent your whole Dec doin' all these????'
'Yeah!' I replied as though I just swallowed a smoothie; there wasn't a need to think whether you need to do anything else or not like chew.
Still in disbelief, she just left it there.
Actually, to be honest, I have hobbies but not that sort of a hobby that's like normal for every one. Maybe subconsciously, I just wanted her to think that way - that I really do love organising events and it's really a decent hobby, isn't it?
Ok, perhaps not. But comparatively to whatever other 'hobbies' that I usually immerse in. Stuffs like nuah-ing at home, that's a hobby isn't it? In a way that's most of my ABC seniors esp. HJ would say it 'Chill, layling, chill.' So organising events is a constructive hobby.
Ok well, what am I trying to prove anyway?
Actually nothing. Sometimes I just have an internal conflict much like every one else in life will experience sometimes. I mean, yes, I do want to have a life you know. But sometimes I'm just so driven to do stuffs for people and for other practicalities in life like learnin to build up EQ with people younger than me (now that I'm surrounded by them, horrors of horrors), tryin' out and pushin' for new changes in this conservative institution e.g. the proposed Texas Hold'em, accumulating new experiences to pile into my resume etc. And so, you don't have much of a choice in the end. This 'choice' word - it's really much abused. People say you have a choice. But my perception is that, you don't have much of a choice because there are lots of hidden factors that already dictate what you ought and will be doing next just that you don't realise it because humans are mostly in self-denial more than three-quarters of their lives. Maybe this explains why I'm a Buddhist at heart. Believe it or not, karma and destiny works for me. OB will postulate this as a self-fulfilling prophecy - you are what you think - but if you realise it, the way you think depends on the stuffs like background, peers, experiences etc so who planned all those things for you to go through? Lol. This is like a senseless argument I know but just like any normal person, I feel helpless over it as well. *ShruGZ* I mean like, you can't choose your parents, your relatives, isn't it? Fortunately, I'm born with some sort of forward-lookin' mentality. (I'm a Feb baby!) I think optimisim counts a lot in life, so organising events can be a constructive hobby, no matter whether it truly is or not.
Back to NBS Week.
Wow. I realised I've found a like-minded friend through this event. It's hearty to feel that way because it's difficult to find a person with the right frequency in this sort of environment I'm facin' now. Environment as in, the stark contrast with TAS (in terms of learnin and lecturers' attitude) that I was so accustomed to, the range of age group that I'm mostly in contact with and thus rendered me this nick 'Da Jie' that I find so damn irritating sometimes (not that my own '84 friends don't call me that but, still!!) and my hall room that I'm constantly stuck in, tryin' to be constructive and disciplined in my thoughts.
And this like-minded pal and I both sense that there're certain organisational issues that is prevalent in our ABC - like negative externalities and free-riding - but when you look deeper, you don't really have a choice to be able to do anything about it because this ultimately lies on how the top manages the bottom and whether the people at the bottom are passionate and motivated to initiate and help with things. So there'll be times when this pal and I rise to the occasion, simply because if people aren't motivated you have to do it anyway because you're in the club. Then after that, get yourself pretty much disillusioned when stress sets in along the way and you realise for yourself, how much, just how much you've sacrificed just because you came forward to initiate things at the beginning. Yes, you can try explainin' to others just what exactly happened and people will cajole you with irky stuffs like 'because you're different and therefore you're outstandin' and 'every club will have this sort of problem'. Seriously, this isn't the point. I think having a sense of responsibility and urgency is an imperative perequisite for any decent human in this world. In an organisation, much less a student club or whatever, the top has to see it through. It is their responsibility since they're at the top. You've seen how communism rose and failed; you can't just let the minority work like hell and distribute their hard-earned credits to the rest at the end of the day because it just isn't just. People at the top, even if you listen, you cannot solve it now, you understand? Because you just can't.
Ok yes, I may be the complainin' sort but I thought it through and felt that maybe we shouldn't be taking our lives too seriously. We shouldn't be taking things so hard, and in turn, be so hard on people because it's not their fault. Maybe faculty clubs are meant to be this way and well, my pal and I are probably the only ones who have so much to critisize about. As Kx once puts it 'all ntu clubs are screwed what' so shouldn't I just give up makin' the world a better place? These can be true as well you know. Because for people like us, time means a lot of us. A lot. Because every seconds counts. Because we're driven; anything that we do is at the cost of something else that we value a lot like spendin time with new-found friends. Trust me, anything. Our character in that sense has made us take things pretty hard sometimes because we expect a lot from ourselves to excel in whatever we choose to do; which means that the sacrifices we have done must be worth it. But at the same time we don't expect others to be like us, because it isn't fair. Expect a lot from the self, expect little from others - sometimes contribute to lots of internal conflicts within ourselves. There's this imbalance of justice that we can feel quite irky about but just blame it on our pro-active character.
And on my part, it isn't just as simple as wantin' to leave ABC just because there are issues with the organisation. Because I'm simply not the escapist type. But because of ABC, i'm in self-denial about other personal issues. Each and every one of us has problems that can be deep-rooted in our lives all along even before we reach this stage in NTU. Sometimes there are too many intricate and private details involved and you don't just confide in anyone just like that, even to HJ. I'm a very private person at heart because I'm easily insecure despite the tougher-than-normal-girls exterior I subconsciously project to others sometimes. I can be having a conversation with you but maybe you realise, you don't really know anything about me at the end of the day, except the trivialities. I take my life very seriously and I've realised that what I've chose to sacrifice for ABC has hurt some important people a lot more than I foresaw. And now, I'm at the risk of being misunderstood by people at the top who don't realise the complexities of life at large and thus render me 'irresponsible' and 'rash' because they think I'm not sayin' the real reasons and thus, not giving them a chance to improve. For a person like me, it is difficult to simplify the problems in my life and I do not wish to be physically inside an organisation but not contribute properly and thus the decision to leave all along. But I always keep my promises. Despite the urge to quit, I will usually try to manage myself till emotionally apt to do things until swee swee. But it takes a lot of energy and I really tried. It's very tiring and sometimes it can be really miserable. Apart from all these, I feel bad for not voicing out my problems when people are concerned but I seriously can't. Not because I don't trust anyone but I find it difficult to talk to someone I barely know.
I offended HJ over msn that night I think. I really don't mean it and I seriously feel extremely bad about it over the weekend. My reticence over my true reasons for quittin' really puts him off; I can feel it on my screen. But it takes a lot just for me to open up though he's my boss. I don't really perceive him as a friend because we aren't close in my own terms and therefore the perception that he's more of a boss to me despite his easy-going ways. Not everyone has the capacity to understand my problems; I realised this after going through so much. Issues which sometimes go beyond this physical plane can knock people out and I do not know how to go about sayin' certain things which is logical and rational to a normal, thinking being. I didn't think he'll take it so personally - he felt like really shitified and a lousy boss. He seriously isn't a lousy boss; he's just not my friend. I rationalised it's only logical for a boss to get pissed off when this stupid subordinate just wanna quit anyhow. That, I really understand because it is annoying. So maybe I've taken it too far. Helpless, isn't it? This sinkkkin' feelin of not being able to confide in someone is pathetic enough but havin them misunderstand me at the same time is reallyyyyyy helpless.
At the end of the day, I hope everything will turn out fine. I don't hope to be understood because only a friend can truly understand me like Ivy and to qualify to be my friend is really tough since I'm so non-simplifiable by nature.
So much for the internal ambiguities. So helpless sometimes.
Posted by Atlantic Amethyst at 1:38 PM
Thursday, January 17, 2008
What's Your Fear?
I haven't bloggged for so long!And I'm so overwhelmmmmed by all the shit stuffs that's happening lately.
I guess no time can be an excuse to some but this is really a heartfelt reason for not blogging. Opportunity costs. In the economic sense, marginal benefit must be higher than marginal costs, isn't it? I actually love economics a lot (just like management) because it always reminds me of my favourite lecturer Mr Wong NT.
The first session for OB was intriguing. Ok admittedly, it wasn't all that remote when I saw all those terms because of my good memory even after more than a year. Not that I really love OB, but most of the stuffs that TAS taught, I can recall mostly, even the little unimaginable minute details that was meant as a passing remark by the lecturers. For this OB session, it was intriguing because of the tutor. If you've been through TAS, you'll know what I mean. Some tutors teach because they really want to impart wisdom to you. That's what I call teaching. My OB tutor Mrs Chng feels like that. It's rare to see adjunct tutors putting in this sort of effort. You can feel her energy run high. She demands you to get actively involved. She demands you to impress her. She demands to let yourself be known. She demands.........
I don't like stress in class. But I view this as a constructive type of stress. Mainly because it urges you to think before you act and say. And that's pretty good in a way because I like to observe and know people better. I really love knowing people and OB sems is one of those channels for interaction and gives me the opportunity to psychoanalyse people quietly, to some extent.
Chng's way of introduction is to announce our fears to the class. And then you hear all sorts of fears. Some really real, dealing with issues like losing your loved ones; and some really morbid, like fear of gettin into a freak accident and just die?!? And then, my own fear which I said, was just fear of flying cockroaches. My new friend Pamela was like, 'you don't have any other fears?' and she asked that with that sort of wide eyes which gripped me. I had that feeling she thought I'm the courageous kinda soul coz of my short hair (that girls of their age don't really have) and my loud enthusiasm when I was calling out for the 'sixers!' when asked to gather our own group members.
Actually, to be frank, I've no idea what I'm really scared of because I'm scared of many things. I've never tried to rationalise, classify nor rank them in any way mainly because I usually think a lot and to analyse my feelings further will take more toil than what my brain cells can bear.
I kinda conclude that my fears are accumulative and present themselves in different situations. And lately, I realised that I'm actually scared of loneliness. Yeap I'm fiercely independent in many ways and usually choose to spend time alone if possible. But I'll really just sinkkkkk when there's no one around me. I stopped going out if I'm alone (except for this particular morning I was so stressed out, I skipped lessons to go Bugis and shopped). I stopped eating when I'm alone (and I usually choose to be quite alone to focus on what needs to get done); that's why I will appreciate it if pple ask me out for a meal because I hardly eat nowadays, although I may not actually accept that invitation because I need to get stuffs done. (Ok, i'm just so problematic i knowwww.) I just stopped doing so many things when I'm alone, in short.
Isn't it weird? I'm not short of friends but I feel alone. I guess it's a matter of choice. Again, opportunity costs. I was talking to Minghui and we both agreed we're having the same weird problem. It's like, you want to maintain that connectivity with your friends esp. the new ones you just made over here in NTU and then u're tied up with doing stuffs coz u're a perfectionist, and u can't let things go haywire, coz u're responsible for it. Expectations, expectations, expectations. Expect all that from yourself but not expecting all that from others; then from within develops that sense of loneliness. Then pathetically, you start to feel realllyyyyyyyy alone. Then being people like us you know who has a positive side, somehow you shrug that thought off despite all those resistance then you carry on and in front of others especially, no one has an inkling what an incredibly depressive experience you've just undergone, even if it was just for a few seconds.
I guess the only thing which I'm not fearfully fearful of, is really, spirits. Humans can be scarier than non-humans you know, in my opinion, with all those ghostly experiences I've had. Maybe their world is less complicated and possibly, more humane than we can ever imagine.