Sunday, January 20, 2008
Internal Ambiguities
Ok so Diana was askin' me the other day durin comm funds, when Ms Loo Hiang from NBS career office was teachin the resume portion - 'Lay Ling, what's your hobby?'
Without even thinkin', I said, 'Oh! My hobby is organising events for people!' and accompanied that with an iconic laugh. In disbelief, she just stared at me speechless for a few seconds and screeched later, 'You mean....NBS week issit?....and your TAS whatever stuffs....??'
'Yeah!' I just replied candidly. 'Lotsa events comin' up! Must support NBS week ok! Giveaways, gameshows, performances, arcade machines, and there are also - ' Still with that disbelieving stare, she interrupted me, 'You mean, you spent your
whole Dec doin' all these????'
'Yeah!' I replied as though I just swallowed a smoothie; there wasn't a need to think whether you need to do anything else or not like chew.
Still in disbelief, she just left it there.
Actually, to be honest, I have hobbies but not that sort of a hobby that's like normal for every one. Maybe subconsciously, I just wanted her to think that way - that I really do love organising events and it's really a decent hobby, isn't it?
Ok, perhaps not. But comparatively to whatever other 'hobbies' that I usually immerse in. Stuffs like nuah-ing at home, that's a hobby isn't it? In a way that's most of my ABC seniors esp. HJ would say it 'Chill, layling,
chill.' So organising events
is a constructive hobby.
Ok well, what am I trying to
prove anyway?
Actually nothing. Sometimes I just have an internal conflict much like every one else in life will experience sometimes. I mean, yes, I do want to have a life you know. But sometimes I'm just so driven to do stuffs for people and for other practicalities in life like learnin to build up EQ with people younger than me (now that I'm surrounded by them, horrors of horrors), tryin' out and pushin' for new changes in this conservative institution e.g. the proposed Texas Hold'em, accumulating new experiences to pile into my resume etc. And so, you don't have much of a choice in the end. This 'choice' word - it's really much abused. People say you have a choice. But my perception is that, you don't have much of a choice because there are lots of hidden factors that already dictate what you ought and will be doing next just that you don't realise it because humans are mostly in self-denial more than three-quarters of their lives. Maybe this explains why I'm a Buddhist at heart. Believe it or not, karma and destiny works for me. OB will postulate this as a self-fulfilling prophecy - you are what you think - but if you realise it, the way you think depends on the stuffs like background, peers, experiences etc so
who planned all those things for you to go through? Lol. This is like a senseless argument I know but just like any normal person, I feel helpless over it as well. *ShruGZ* I mean like, you can't choose your parents, your relatives, isn't it? Fortunately, I'm born with some sort of forward-lookin' mentality. (I'm a Feb baby!) I think optimisim counts a lot in life, so organising events
can be a constructive hobby, no matter whether it truly is or not.
Back to NBS Week.
Wow. I realised I've found a like-minded friend through this event. It's hearty to feel that way because it's difficult to find a person with the right frequency in this sort of environment I'm facin' now. Environment as in, the stark contrast with TAS (in terms of learnin and lecturers' attitude) that I was so accustomed to, the range of age group that I'm mostly in contact with and thus rendered me this nick 'Da Jie' that I find so damn irritating sometimes (not that my own '84 friends don't call me that but, still!!) and my hall room that I'm constantly stuck in, tryin' to be constructive and disciplined in my thoughts.
And this like-minded pal and I both sense that there're certain organisational issues that is prevalent in our ABC - like negative externalities and free-riding - but when you look deeper, you don't really have a choice to be able to do anything about it because this ultimately lies on how the top manages the bottom and whether the people at the bottom are passionate and motivated to initiate and help with things. So there'll be times when this pal and I rise to the occasion, simply because if people aren't motivated you have to do it anyway because you're
in the club. Then after that, get yourself pretty much disillusioned when stress sets in along the way and you realise for yourself, how much, just how much you've sacrificed just because you came forward to initiate things at the beginning. Yes, you can try explainin' to others just what exactly happened and people will cajole you with irky stuffs like 'because you're different and therefore you're outstandin' and 'every club will have this sort of problem'. Seriously, this isn't the point. I think having a sense of responsibility and urgency is an imperative perequisite for any decent human in this world. In an organisation, much less a student club or whatever, the top has to see it through. It is their responsibility since they're at the top. You've seen how communism rose and failed; you can't just let the minority work like hell and distribute their hard-earned credits to the rest at the end of the day because it
just isn't just. People at the top, even if you listen, you cannot solve it now, you understand? Because you just
can't.
Ok yes, I may be the complainin' sort but I thought it through and felt that maybe we shouldn't be taking our lives too seriously. We shouldn't be taking things so hard, and in turn, be so hard on people because it's not their fault. Maybe faculty clubs are meant to be this way and well, my pal and I are probably the
only ones who have so much to critisize about. As Kx once puts it 'all ntu clubs are screwed what' so shouldn't I just give up makin' the world a better place? These can be true as well you know. Because for people like us, time means a lot of us. A lot. Because every seconds counts. Because we're driven; anything that we do is at the cost of something else that we value a lot like spendin time with new-found friends. Trust me,
anything. Our character in that sense has made us take things pretty hard sometimes because we expect a lot from ourselves to excel in whatever we choose to do; which means that the sacrifices we have done must be worth it. But at the same time we don't expect others to be like us, because it isn't fair. Expect a lot from the self, expect little from others - sometimes contribute to lots of internal conflicts within ourselves. There's this imbalance of justice that we can feel quite irky about but just blame it on our pro-active character.
And on my part, it isn't just as simple as wantin' to leave ABC just because there are issues with the organisation. Because I'm simply not the escapist type. But because of ABC, i'm in self-denial about other personal issues. Each and every one of us has problems that can be deep-rooted in our lives all along even before we reach this stage in NTU. Sometimes there are too many intricate and private details involved and you don't just confide in
anyone just like that, even to HJ. I'm a very private person at heart because I'm easily insecure despite the tougher-than-normal-girls exterior I subconsciously project to others sometimes. I can be having a conversation with you but maybe you realise, you don't really know anything about me at the end of the day, except the trivialities. I take my life very seriously and I've realised that what I've chose to sacrifice for ABC has hurt some important people a lot more than I foresaw. And now, I'm at the risk of being misunderstood by people at the top who don't realise the complexities of life at large and thus render me 'irresponsible' and 'rash' because they think I'm not sayin' the real reasons and thus, not giving them a chance to improve. For a person like me, it is difficult to simplify the problems in my life and I do not wish to be physically inside an organisation but not contribute properly and thus the decision to leave all along. But I always keep my promises. Despite the urge to quit, I will usually try to manage myself till emotionally apt to do things until swee swee. But it takes a lot of energy and I really tried. It's very tiring and sometimes it can be really miserable. Apart from all these, I feel bad for not voicing out my problems when people are concerned but I seriously can't. Not because I don't trust anyone but I find it difficult to talk to someone I barely know.
I offended HJ over msn that night I think. I really don't mean it and I seriously feel extremely bad about it over the weekend. My reticence over my true reasons for quittin' really puts him off; I can feel it on my screen. But it takes a lot just for me to open up though he's my boss. I don't really perceive him as a friend because we aren't close in my own terms and therefore the perception that he's more of a boss to me despite his easy-going ways. Not everyone has the capacity to understand my problems; I realised this after going through so much. Issues which sometimes go beyond this physical plane can knock people out and I do not know how to go about sayin' certain things which is logical and rational to a normal, thinking being. I didn't think he'll take it so personally - he felt like really shitified and a lousy boss. He seriously isn't a lousy boss; he's just not my friend. I rationalised it's only logical for a boss to get pissed off when this stupid subordinate just wanna quit anyhow. That, I really understand because it
is annoying. So maybe I've taken it too far. Helpless, isn't it? This sinkkkin' feelin of not being able to confide in someone is pathetic enough but havin them misunderstand me at the same time is reallyyyyyy helpless.
At the end of the day, I hope everything will turn out fine. I don't hope to be understood because only a friend can truly understand me like Ivy and to qualify to be my friend is really tough since I'm so non-simplifiable by nature.
So much for the internal ambiguities. So helpless sometimes.
Posted by Atlantic Amethyst at 1:38 PM