Thursday, January 17, 2008

What's Your Fear?

I haven't bloggged for so long!
And I'm so overwhelmmmmed by all the shit stuffs that's happening lately.

I guess no time can be an excuse to some but this is really a heartfelt reason for not blogging. Opportunity costs. In the economic sense, marginal benefit must be higher than marginal costs, isn't it? I actually love economics a lot (just like management) because it always reminds me of my favourite lecturer Mr Wong NT.

The first session for OB was intriguing. Ok admittedly, it wasn't all that remote when I saw all those terms because of my good memory even after more than a year. Not that I really love OB, but most of the stuffs that TAS taught, I can recall mostly, even the little unimaginable minute details that was meant as a passing remark by the lecturers. For this OB session, it was intriguing because of the tutor. If you've been through TAS, you'll know what I mean. Some tutors teach because they really want to impart wisdom to you. That's what I call teaching. My OB tutor Mrs Chng feels like that. It's rare to see adjunct tutors putting in this sort of effort. You can feel her energy run high. She demands you to get actively involved. She demands you to impress her. She demands to let yourself be known. She demands.........

I don't like stress in class. But I view this as a constructive type of stress. Mainly because it urges you to think before you act and say. And that's pretty good in a way because I like to observe and know people better. I really love knowing people and OB sems is one of those channels for interaction and gives me the opportunity to psychoanalyse people quietly, to some extent.

Chng's way of introduction is to announce our fears to the class. And then you hear all sorts of fears. Some really real, dealing with issues like losing your loved ones; and some really morbid, like fear of gettin into a freak accident and just die?!? And then, my own fear which I said, was just fear of flying cockroaches. My new friend Pamela was like, 'you don't have any other fears?' and she asked that with that sort of wide eyes which gripped me. I had that feeling she thought I'm the courageous kinda soul coz of my short hair (that girls of their age don't really have) and my loud enthusiasm when I was calling out for the 'sixers!' when asked to gather our own group members.

Actually, to be frank, I've no idea what I'm really scared of because I'm scared of many things. I've never tried to rationalise, classify nor rank them in any way mainly because I usually think a lot and to analyse my feelings further will take more toil than what my brain cells can bear.

I kinda conclude that my fears are accumulative and present themselves in different situations. And lately, I realised that I'm actually scared of loneliness. Yeap I'm fiercely independent in many ways and usually choose to spend time alone if possible. But I'll really just sinkkkkk when there's no one around me. I stopped going out if I'm alone (except for this particular morning I was so stressed out, I skipped lessons to go Bugis and shopped). I stopped eating when I'm alone (and I usually choose to be quite alone to focus on what needs to get done); that's why I will appreciate it if pple ask me out for a meal because I hardly eat nowadays, although I may not actually accept that invitation because I need to get stuffs done. (Ok, i'm just so problematic i knowwww.) I just stopped doing so many things when I'm alone, in short.

Isn't it weird? I'm not short of friends but I feel alone. I guess it's a matter of choice. Again, opportunity costs. I was talking to Minghui and we both agreed we're having the same weird problem. It's like, you want to maintain that connectivity with your friends esp. the new ones you just made over here in NTU and then u're tied up with doing stuffs coz u're a perfectionist, and u can't let things go haywire, coz u're responsible for it. Expectations, expectations, expectations. Expect all that from yourself but not expecting all that from others; then from within develops that sense of loneliness. Then pathetically, you start to feel realllyyyyyyyy alone. Then being people like us you know who has a positive side, somehow you shrug that thought off despite all those resistance then you carry on and in front of others especially, no one has an inkling what an incredibly depressive experience you've just undergone, even if it was just for a few seconds.

I guess the only thing which I'm not fearfully fearful of, is really, spirits. Humans can be scarier than non-humans you know, in my opinion, with all those ghostly experiences I've had. Maybe their world is less complicated and possibly, more humane than we can ever imagine.

Posted by Atlantic Amethyst at 11:32 PM

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